


What It Means to be A Hero

by daydreamingstoryteller



Series: I'm Not Okay. But I Will Be. [1]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Supergirl (TV 2015), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Cisco is a great friend, Episode: s02e07 Invasion!, Gen, M/M, Mick knows, Post-Flashpoint (DCU), Pre-Flashpoint (DCU), Protective Mick Rory, Secret Relationship, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-09 19:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8908510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamingstoryteller/pseuds/daydreamingstoryteller
Summary: Everyone assumes Barry went back and changed the timeline because he couldn't stand to lose both his parents. Barry assumes no one knew about his secret boyfriend.  Neither of these are entirely true and the truth comes out just as Barry was about to surrender himself over to the Dominaters. Or: Flashpoint happened because Barry lost Len and now he wants to follow in Len's footsteps but his team won't let him.





	1. When You Lose Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ok, so this came about when I was wondering what would have happened if Barry and Len were secretly together before Legends started. I was inspired by the scene in Invasion where everyone talks Barry out of sacrificing himself. So I combined both of these and this happened. 
> 
> This is an AU, where Barry and Patty never got together and Barry and Len started dating after the Christmas Fiasco.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry finds out about Len's death. (Pre-flashpoint)

Almost four months ago, Barry traveled back in time to save his parents and created Flashpoint. Everyone assumed he did that because he was consumed by the grief of his dad’s death. That’s not entirely true. While his dad’s death did hit him hard - especially after watching another parent die in front his eyes in his childhood home – Barry didn’t feel the need to go back and change his life.  At least he didn’t, until he lost someone else that same week.

 _Leonard Snart_. Aka Captain Cold, aka Barry’s five month boyfriend that no one else knew about.

It had started right after the entire Christmas Fiasco, after Len had warned Barry about Mardon and Jesse. What started out as a, ‘thank-you-for-being-a-lousy-villain’ coffee date turned into more dates that became less and less casual as time went on. Soon, Len and Barry had started secretly dating while they still went on about their lives. 

When January came, and Len left to join the Legends team on the Waverider, they promised each other that they will keep in touch and be safe.  However, in the life of a hero, those kinds of promises are really hard to keep.

~~~~~~

He found out through Gideon.

He used her as a way to contact the Waverider whenever he needed to. He also used her as a way to talk to Len without anyone else knowing while he was off gallivanting through time – slowly becoming the hero that Barry knew he could be. But heroes, more often than not, don’t get happy endings.

It was the night right after the fight with Zoom. Iris had called him aside and told him about her feelings for him. Maybe in another lifetime he would have been ecstatic to hear that. Maybe in another life, he would have hugged her and kissed her like he had always wanted to. However, in this timeline, that would never happen. Barry had moved on and fallen in love with someone else in those few short months while Iris was falling in love with Barry.

Now, all Barry could do was to apologize to Iris and watch, as her smile slowly slipped off her face and her eyes lost their happiness. He couldn’t bear to see her get hurt and so he apologized once again and sped off into the night. He ran all the way to STAR Labs and into the time vault where Gideon was.

“Gideon, call Len.”

“I apologise Mr Allen but I am unable to do that.”

“Gideon I don’t care if he’s on a really important mission right now. I don’t even care if he’s not alone. I just really need to talk to him. Please. Just. Put me through to him.”

“I apologize again Mr Allen but Mr Snart died a few days ago in an explosion that occurred at the Vanishing point.”

“What…..”

_No! no no not Len. Please….not Len. I can’t…. No. Len.. I need you goddamnit…. No._

“How?” Barry asked in a shaky voice. He couldn’t think straight. He didn’t want to think about it. About his Len being…

“The time masters were controlling the Waverider and the Legends team using this device called the Oculus. The team needed to destroy it, which in turn would destroy the entirety of the Time Masters headquarters.  However, there was a built in safe-guard that meant that someone was to be there physically to cause the explosion. In the original timeline, Mr Palmer was to be the one that died with the explosion of the Oculus. However, Mr Snart took up Mr Palmer’s place so that the rest of the team could escape in time” Gideon reported, cutting through Barry’s thoughts.

_Oh Len… I always knew you were a hero. But, I never….oh god Len…..Lenny why…_

Barry was on the floor, back pressed against the side of the wall. He couldn’t breathe. He just lost his speed, got it back, lost his dad, almost lost Joe, fought with Zoom, sorta died, and had Iris confess her feelings to him. He ran here to talk to Len because he _needed_ Len. He needed Len to talk to him in that beautiful voice of his and tell him that everything will be alright. He needed Len to make puns and call him ‘Scarlet’ and tell him about how annoying Ray and Rip were, or about how much he misses Barry and promise to come back home. He needed Len to keep him sane because it felt like everything in his life was falling apart in a split second.

He needed Len. But Len was gone.

So Barry did the one thing he knew how to do better than anything else. He ran.

He ran to the pipeline and just ran in circles over and over and over again. He didn’t stop when the tears started falling. He didn’t stop when he started sobbing. He didn’t stop as his clothes started to catch on fire. He never stopped. He didn’t want to stop.

So he ran.


	2. Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry wants to walk away but Mick won't let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh guys, I am so happy for all these positive reactions to this fic!
> 
> This being my second fic and my first chapter-ed one, made me really nervous but all your kudos, comments and subscriptions really made my day. I know that I'm a little late in uploading this ( I was supposed to do it before Christmas but I didn't have time to write in between) and I'm sorry bout that but I really hope you enjoy this chapter. :)

 “This isn’t up for debate. It’s not even a close call really. I turn myself over to the Dominators and they leave the rest of the world alone. Simple.”

“No, it’s NOT simple” Felicity exclaimed. She knew that her friend had been feeling guilty about Flashpoint but she’s been wondering whether there was more to Barry’s odd behaviour that just that. She’s seen Oliver take a trip down ‘this-is-all-my-fault’ road many times so she knows that’s not what Barry is doing. He’s been more subdued than ever and frankly that scared Felicity because she’s never seen Barry lose all hope ever.

“Barry it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. You can’t do this” Diggle added on. Even though he was bitter about having his daughter erased from existence, he knew that he could never live with himself if he let Barry do this. Barry was a friend. More than that, he’s become family. Barry is family in the way that everyone else in the warehouse was.  Not family by blood, but family by profession and shared experiences. And family means that no one gets left behind. He wasn’t going to let Barry go no matter what he or anyone said.

Barry on the other hand, was stubborn and dead set on handing himself over to the dominators.  “It’s been an honour to know all of you, to fight alongside of you. Now it’s up to you to keep our home safe.” He looked at the assembled group of people for a last time. He looked at the new faces and the faces of people he’s come to love over the past few years. He took one last look and turned around. He was walking away from them forever. He was walking to his death.  He closed his eyes ad thought about everyone he had ever cared for in his life - his mom, dad, Joe, Iris, Wally, Cisco, Ollie…Len.

_I’m only following in your footsteps Len. I’m not a hero like you, but hopefully this makes up, at least a little, for everything else I screwed up. I love you Len. Hopefully I’ll see you soon…_

“HEY RED” a voice shouted at him. Barry stilled but didn’t turn around. Mick continued, “He wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself kid”.  Barry froze. 

_He couldn’t know. NO ONE knew. It was just him and –no. No one else was supposed to know. How?_

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Barry answered Mick, without turning around. He didn’t want to look at Mick. He didn’t know why but he had this urge to just ignore everyone and continue walking away.

“What are you talking about?” Barry was actually surprised that his voice didn’t come out shaky, despite his knees suddenly going weak.

“I’m supposed to be the dumb one kid, not you. I know that you know what I’m talking about. I know that Gideon told you and that right afterwards you ran and messed up the timeline. Not cause you lost your parents or something but cause of him.”

“How?” Barry asked after hearing what Mick said. This time his voice wasn’t so firm anymore.

“How I know you know? I worked with the time masters. I know how time works and shifts….”

“No. Not that. How do you know about…us?” Barry cut Mick off and finally turned around to look at Mick. He could feel everyone else’s eyes on either him or Mick. They had questions, but no one dared to say anything lest Barry resumes on his self-sacrificial path.

“How? He was my partner kid. Not like how he was your partner but as a partner in crime. I’ve known him since he was fourteen so I know when he’s hiding something from me. Figured it was someone not something quite quickly. Thought it was someone he wanted to keep away from the thug life. I cornered him one day, there may or may not have been some yelling and he caved. Said he was seeing a CSI and didn’t want anyone to know so you don’t lose your job or  get suspended. Didn’t really know you were the Flash until I ended up at the vanishing point with the time masters. Should have guessed it from the start really, he always did try too hard to get your attention. What with that gun and the show he always put on for you. But he tried to be better for you, you know? After you two started going serious, he tried going straight too. “

Oliver spoke up, “Your point Mick”? He understood what Mick was trying to say and looking at the rest of the faces in the warehouse, everyone else was starting to get it too though some were still shocked and confused. 

“I’m getting to that robin hood.” Mick growled. “Look Allen, he cared a damn lot about you. Okay?  And Leonard, when he cares about someone, he makes sure that they’re happy, and safe. He does what he feels like he has to do and doesn’t care about anyone’s opinions except those of the people who matter. He didn’t die cause he wanted to be a hero in everyone else’s eyes.  He died saving the rest of us so that Haircut or I won’t have to. He’s the kind of guy who’d take the hit for someone he loves so that they don’t have to. If he can spare them the pain he will. And if he can’t do that, he’s damn well make sure that he does whatever else he can to stop that person from getting hurt in the first place. So what I’m saying Red, is that if he were here, he’d try his best to talk you out of this. If he couldn’t then you and I both know that he’d freeze you, knock you out and then lock you up so that you won’t run off to stupidly sacrifice yourself.”

“But he’s not here is he?” Barry whispered. Even so, everyone in there heard it as the entire group had fallen silent when Mick had started talking.

“Yea kid. He ain’t here right now and that’s why I’ll do all of those things to you if you won’t quit being stubborn about this whole sacrificing yourself thing.” Mick hadn’t so much as glanced at anyone else the entire time he was talking. His eyes never left the scarlet speedster as he watched Barry slowly but surely break down in front of everyone. Barry for his part, also never took his eyes off Mick. He looked Mick right in the eyes and asked, “Why?”.

“Why? I’ll do it because he’d want to me - because, believe it or not Allen, he loved you.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this was supposed to be the last chapter but then I realized that it was going to be long and I didn't want to keep you guys waiting. So i broke up the last part into two and hopefully the last part will be up by New Years! (I'm still in the process of writing it) Thanks again guys for all the support. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year! You're all amazing <3
> 
> -Mel


	3. What it means to have a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so i realized i really can't make deadlines i set for myself. Whelp! 
> 
> Anyway, this is the end (finally!) and i just wanted to say that I tried my best to make this chapter good but somehow something just never felt right. After re-writing this and spending quite a few days on it, I have to say that I'm not fully happy with the way it turned out but for now, I feel like this is where it was always going to go. I tried my best with this last chapter, and I tried to finish it before I left for a week long trip overseas so I apologize for mistakes in advance. This is the longest chapter yet and i hope that the ending did the story justice. Thanks guys so much for all the support!! You're all amazing :) :)

_“…believe it or not Allen, he loved you.”_

Hearing those words, Barry’s legs gave out on him completely. His eyes scrunched up tight as a sob wrangled its way out of his throat. He no longer cared that he was in front of his family and friends. All he cared about was the words that Mick said - the words that he said with so much more conviction than Barry ever had when it came to Len’s feelings for him.

He knew Len cared about him. He was certain about that as much as he was about Len being good. However, he never could convince himself that Len loved him. While he himself, fell fast and headfirst into loving Leonard Snart, the darkest and most insecure parts of Barry kept him from even entertaining the idea that his love was requited. Maybe it was because he spent years loving someone who never loved him back or maybe it was because he’d given up on ever being happy – damn you Thawne- but whatever the reason, up until now, he never thought that Len loved him.

Now Mick, Len’s best friend and the person who knew him better than Lisa, is telling him that Len loved Barry and Barry doesn’t know whether he should laugh or cry. He feels like doing both. He wants to believe it so badly but at the same time he desperately wishes it wasn’t true. Because if it was, then it means that Barry just lost something more than the love of his life. It means that Barry lost his only possible happy ending.

A hand on his shoulder pulls him out of his depressive thoughts. He hears his name and realises that there’s another hand gently rubbing his shoulders. He looks away from the floor to see that Felicity and Kara have settled beside him. Each of them at either side and while Felicity is trying to comfort him with a half-hug, Kara is calling out his name and slightly shaking his shoulders. Both their faces are stricken with worry. They’ve never wanted to see their Barry this devastated… this…. _broken._ Just as Kara was about to ask Barry how he was feeling, Ray’s voice cut in from where he was standing with the rest of the team.

“Hey guys I’m sorry for being slow on the uptake but, just to check, Barry and Leonard were dating? I mean The Flash was dating his arch nemesis? Well his – then arch nemesis I guess. Actually more like just nemesis since…”

“Ray STOP.” Oliver demanded, slightly raising his voice.  Ray immediately stopped his ramblings. Cisco, who had started to go towards Barry unconsciously, seemed to snap out of his thoughts and stopped moving. Oliver turned his attention back to the speedster on the floor.  Barry tensed under Oliver’s stare and shifted nervously. Noticing this, Oliver moved forward and crouched in front of Barry, trying to ease some of Barry’s tension.

Barry, understanding that Oliver wasn’t going to be angry or upset, relaxed back into Felicity’s hug. Oliver gave Barry a slight nod and asked, in a calm yet firm voice, “Barry…is this true? Were you dating Sn-, Leonard, before he joined the Legends team?”

Not trusting his voice, Barry simply nodded.  The confirmation led to Felicity gasping softly. “Oh Barry” she uttered under her breath and Kara squeezed Barry’s shoulder in a reassuring way. Oliver took in a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. After taking a moment to let it sink in, Oliver asked Barry another question.

“Barr, did you love him?”  Barry closed his eyes and willed himself not to cry.  The words stuck in his throat. After what seemed like hours, but were only a few seconds, Barry croaked, “Yes”.

Oliver let out a sigh and just like that the dam broke. Everything Barry was trying to hold back, every emotion that had welled up when he heard Mick’s words, tumbled out in a jumbled mess.

The tears started falling. The words that Barry had held in for so long – _for so long_ – rushed out.

“God Ollie I loved him… he…we…we were only together for a few months but god Ollie I loved him so much…he made me feel less broken and less of a mess, he made sure I knew that I was doing something good, he pulled me back from dark times and he was just so good to me and he took care of me and I knew I could never deserve that much but he made me believe for a while that I did until I…

…until I screwed up _again.”_

“Barry…” Oliver started to say, but Barry wasn’t finished yet. Once he started he had this crazy urge to just tell everyone everything.

‘ _Maybe now they’ll understand why I have to do this. Maybe now they’ll see that I deserve to fix this mess I made and let me go’_ Barry thought to himself subconsciously.

“No Ollie I did. Len…god, Len sacrificed himself to save the timeline. Don’t you get it? Len died protecting his team, protecting time itself and I messed it all up. He sacrificed himself for nothing because I undid it all when I messed with time. Now everyone is paying the price for mistakes that I made. I need to do this Oliver. I need to. Please. This is all my fault and I should be the one to correct it. Let me go Ollie please.”  Barry was almost hysterical. His words were punctuated by sobs here and there and that was probably the only reason he wasn’t talking at super speed.  His body however, was shaking slightly and were almost vibrating. His face was covered in tears and his eyes were clenched shut. He was trying so hard not to sink into the ground and let his emotions overwhelm him. He tried to get up and shake off the arms around him.

_‘I need to go. Before anyone else tries to stop me. I need to do this. For Iris, Joe, Cisco and the rest. For Len.’_

With that thought, Barry brushed off Kara and Felicity. He got up and looked towards the assembled group of heroes before him. “I’m sorry. Goodbye.” He turned around and for the second time that day, walked away from his family, friends and his life. Or well, he tried to walk away.

Before Kara could stop Barry, before Mick could start to yell at him and before Oliver could try to reach for him, Cisco spoke up.

“SO THAT’S IT?” He half called out mockingly and half yelled, at Barry. Barry, however, just continued walking. He knew if he stopped this time, he wouldn’t have the strength to walk away again.

“Barry Allen. Fastest man alive and yet the most stupid one too. Stop walking and turn around and face me Barry. It’s the least you could do after everything; after killing my brother. You don’t get to walk away from this. You don’t get to walk away FROM. YOUR. MISTAKES.”

Barry, finally having heard enough, turned around and stopped to stare lifelessly at Cisco. He was done with everything. Cisco could yell at him all he wanted. Barry was just too tired.

“Good” Cisco continued as he strode up to his best friend ignoring everyone else in the warehouse. “Now that I’ve gotten your attention, there’s something I need to say. You, Barry don’t get a free pass from this mess you’ve made. That’s what this is. You sacrifice yourself and in an instant everything will be forgiven and you won’t have to worry about anything anymore. Well, I hate to break it to you pal but this isn’t a Disney movie. That’s not how it works in real life. You make a mistake; you stick around to face the consequences of that mistake. You don’t run. You stay here, with us – the people who have been affected by your actions – and you try to make it right. You stay and help us save the world and try to earn our forgiveness. You have to work for it. Running never solves anything. Okay?”

Cisco was standing directly in front of Barry now. He looked at the dried tears on his cheeks, the sullen eyes, and the pure grief etched all over face. Looking at him, Cisco could feel his anger and frustration receding as concern and worry for Barry took over. His eyes started to tear up. Cisco placed his hands on Barry’s shoulders and forced him to look up.

“So before you think about doing anything let me tell you how it’s gonna go from here. You are not going to sacrifice yourself, you hear me? I don’t care if that’s what a hero’s supposed to do. You aren’t a hero. Not to me. To me, you’re my friend. My best friend. You told me once that the universe wants us to be bros. I’m telling you now, that even if it didn’t, I’d still be here for you man. Because, I am and will always be your friend. Nothing’s gonna change that. So you’re going to stop being stupid and idiotic and let us help you. We need you Barr. We all do. So stop this self-depreciation shit and help us find a way to stop the Dominators.”

“Cisco...” Barry whispered as he belatedly noticed that he had started crying again. Cisco had tears rolling down his face too. In fact, everyone in the warehouse was shaken up by everything that happened these past few minutes.

Cisco, noticing how much Barry was vibrating where he stood, pulled him into a hug. He spoke gently to Barry, yet loud enough for everyone to hear. “Please don’t do this man. I need my best friend. And, I know you feel like what you’ve done is inexcusable, but you can try to make it right by being there for us we need you to. You can’t earn our forgiveness if you’re stuck in a space pod somewhere in a galaxy far, far, away.”

“How are you so sure that I deserve it?” Barry asked, afraid of what the answer might be. 

“Because I learnt from you that everyone deserves forgiveness.  And if anyone deserves it, it’s you Barry. We’ll forgive you soon man - all of us, if we haven’t already. But you also have to start forgiving yourself. Do it for Leonard if not for us. Forgive yourself Barr.”

As Cisco tried to convince him that everything will be okay, Barry looked around at everyone there; these people who have been there for him through everything. They were all there trying to convince him to stay and not give up. They cared. Looking at those faces not holding pity, but understanding and concern dislodged something in Barry’s heart and for the first time in a long while, Barry felt like everything was going to be okay. For the first time since he lost his dad, Barry felt at peace. Hugging his best friend, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

_‘Maybe everything is gonna be okay.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And That's a wrap folks! 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for sticking through with me through my first long fic. I hope that you liked it and if you want to chat, you can come say hi on tumblr! As always, comments make my day and again, you guys are the best! :)  
> -Mel
> 
> my tumblr: quirky-idealist.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this was supposed to be a one-shot but I figured it made more sense to break it up into two. I'll post the next part by next week. Next Chapter is on the legends episode of 'Invasion!'. 
> 
> English is not my first language and I just started writing fics so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. Comments are always welcome! :)


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